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【TOP 50】Stephen Wright Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - Stephen Wright Quotes

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

American Comedian Coffee Funny

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Stephen Wright Quotes

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

American Comedian Body Funny

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said,

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

Funny Quote of the Day

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Stephen Wright Quotes

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

American Comedian Fishing Funny

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Stephen Wright Quotes

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Cats Editor's Pick Funny Quote of the Day

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

American Comedian Funny

I saw a bank that said

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. - Stephen Wright Quotes

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded - Stephen Wright Quotes

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Cute Editor's Pick Funny Quote of the Day Short

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

American Comedian Funny

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. - Stephen Wright Quotes

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

American Comedian Funny

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it - Stephen Wright Quotes

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

American Comedian Autobiography Funny

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it... - Stephen Wright Quotes

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. - Stephen Wright Quotes

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

American Comedian Funny

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said,

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

American Comedian Canada Funny

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday. - Stephen Wright Quotes

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

American Comedian Birthday Funny

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

American Comedian Funny

On the other hand, you have different fingers. - Stephen Wright Quotes

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

American Comedian Fingers Funny

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I may have forgotten this before. - Stephen Wright Quotes

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I may have forgotten this before.

Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes - Stephen Wright Quotes

Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Stephen Wright Quotes

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

American Comedian Funny Night

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

American Comedian Funny Museums

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? - Stephen Wright Quotes

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

American Comedian Funny

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - Stephen Wright Quotes

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

American Comedian Evolution Funny

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Stephen Wright Quotes

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. - Stephen Wright Quotes

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

American Comedian Funny

I like to skate on the other side of the ice - Stephen Wright Quotes

I like to skate on the other side of the ice

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. - Stephen Wright Quotes

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

American Comedian Apartment Funny

I like to skate on the other side of the ice - Stephen Wright Quotes

I like to skate on the other side of the ice

What's another word for Thesaurus? - Stephen Wright Quotes

What's another word for Thesaurus?

American Comedian Funny

I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Stephen Wright Quotes

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

American Comedian Christmas Funny

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

Food

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

American Comedian Funny

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. - Stephen Wright Quotes

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. - Stephen Wright Quotes

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

American Comedian Funny

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

American Comedian Coffee Funny

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? - Stephen Wright Quotes

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

American Comedian Funny

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? - Stephen Wright Quotes

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

American Comedian Funny

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... - Stephen Wright Quotes

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - Stephen Wright Quotes

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

American Comedian Editor's Pick Funny Quote of the Day Short

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes

Joke

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. - Stephen Wright Quotes

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - Stephen Wright Quotes

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says,

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? - Stephen Wright Quotes

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

American Comedian Funny

The commemorations have been very moving for all of us and have been a demonstration of the solidarity of seafarers, - Stephen Wright Quotes

The commemorations have been very moving for all of us and have been a demonstration of the solidarity of seafarers,

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